Enjoy the Rain

Life is a constant control of natural urges: stop eating so you don't get fat, don't smoke so you don't get addicted, clean your apartment so you don't get spiders, do your laundry, your homework, your taxes, take a shower, hug your friends, talk to your neighbor. Do any of these actually seem natural? Not to me. Smoke because you want to, don't shower cause you don't. It seems like there is an urge, supposedly innate, in most people to look your best, to do your best, to maintain the status quo.

I would argue that this urge is superficial. Now, perhaps, it is taught 'instinctively' by our parents and our teachers to be kind, courteous, polite, to stay clean and quiet, and always get the A. Its fine to raise children in a structured environment. They of course need stability, but where does it stop? Do this, don't do that - for the rest of our lives?! Even when you are older and understand this, if you choose to break from the 'norm' in any fashion, there will always be judgment passed. Often it even comes from a complete stranger. This is what needs to be taught at a young age: don't judge!

Today, I was walking to class, and it was pouring. I wore jeans and converse because it was a light drizzle when I got dressed. By the time I parked on the usual completely-across-campus street, it was a monsoon! You couldn't see your hand in front of your face! Luckily, I had brought my cheap-as-shit umbrella that I had randomly acquired. About halfway through the 20 minute walk, class had already started and I was drenched to my knees with the umbrella leaking from the middle. As I walked down the brick path in front of Old Main, I got this urge to say "Fuck it!" and stand there without the umbrella's "protection" over my head and look straight at the sky. The sound and the smell of the rain was incredible, and to stand there uninhibited would have been so glorifying.
I didn't do it though. I might have muttered a curse word or two, but I kept that stupid umbrella over my head and marched on. Why, do you ask? Because I knew if I let down the umbrella, I would have been soaked to the bone. This sounded great given the desire present, but it was that moment in front of the class, all eyes on me, that replayed in my head. I would walk in, dripping wet with an umbrella in my hand, and everyone would think "What an idiot." That embarrassment alone kept me from carrying out what would have been a fun and liberating experience. I sat there the entire class time looking out the window, hoping it would be raining as hard as before when class got out. It wasn't at all.

The point is: we are so concerned with looking perfect and being perfect all the time, we miss out on the fun, messy, risky things in life. Living 'by the book' sounds so incredibly boring to me and if I had a second chance, I would drop the umbrella and enjoy the rain.

Fayetteville: its not over yet

One more year.

One more year.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am staying in ARKANSAS for ONE MORE YEAR. Like music to my ears.


I have recently accomplished, what in the past fours years has been semi-torturous, a perfect school schedule. That's right. I have a completely enrolled-in schedule, and it's not even close to the first week of classes! Not only am I fully enrolled, but they are only class that I need (also a first). The best part of all this, in fact the reason this happened at all, is I will graduate in May! For sure, 100%. I had been "planning" on it for some time now, but when asked "So, Kyle, you graduatin' soon?" I would say, "Yeah! Next May actually" with a slight ring of horror in my voice because, until now, I have had some serious doubts whether this was even possible.

Until now, its been like running the 800-meter. You start off fast and excited, ready to take on anything. College is a new adventure that will be fun and liberating. You meet all these new friends. Go to all these cool new places. Its great!
When you finish your first lap, you see the consequences of spending more time having fun than studying, pigeon-holed into a couple of decimals: 0.79

This race suddenly got a lot fucking longer.

After a while, you settle into a good pace and your body goes numb. You go through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other: science credit here, avoid literature class there. Until, it is finally almost over. Yeah...you might not be in the front of the pack, but you're still in the race, damn it. And although your legs are on fire and about to fall off, you can see the finish line. This is what I feel like now. The finish line is so close, but goddamn I'm tired of running around this stupid track!!

Instead of focusing on how long a year is in Arkansas. I have been wondering what it can offer me and what it has been for me.
To me, Fayetteville is rolling hills with Old Main at the top, bicyclists, and potheads. Its the Farmer's Market and Wilson Park, cheap college apartments and Mt. Sequoyah mansions. Its down-home-hick mixed with hippy intellectual. "They'll take our guns!" meets "Peace and love." Its Stir vs. Buster Belly's, fraternity vs. fucking independents. Down here, we go have fun at Devil's Den and venture the Pig Trail. We yell Pig-sooie! and wear red.
And now, after I have watched Fayetteville pick herself up after the ice storm, I know this town means a lot to me. Although I will always be FROM Missouri and don't necessarily plan to live here again, I will look back with a smile at the FIVE YEARS it took me to graduate and the time I've spent in Fayetteville.

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.


-By Philip Larkin

Time is on my side, yes it is

Lately, I have noticed time as something that has passed instead of something endless. When you are younger, you can't relate to time because you haven't really experienced its consequences yet. You see what it can do. You know its the reason you house needs painted every few years or your grass needs mowed. You know its the reason your hair grows or your wrinkles deepen. You know its helped you gain friends and lose them.

You don't see any of these things as they are happening. You only notice once they have finished. This is the paradox. You understand time is changing things but you can never see exactly how.

When you are young, time is on your side and has yet to turn against you. It makes you think it will last forever, and you will always be young. Youth, as many will argue, is a state-of-mind. I think I disagree. Your youth disappears, usually when you are not looking. Someday you might wake up and wonder where it went and how long it has been gone. Or maybe you never have that moment of longing. Instead, you fabricate a version of youth in your head using left over pieces and stitch them together with callowness and self-delusion.

Of course, you can stay young by acting young, but you should never forget, it is just that, acting.

Benefits for Bureaucracy

I have been overly concerned lately about what I am going to do when I graduate. I guess it stems from the accumulated anxiety from my class scheduling nightmare. Regardless, I have been considering the Peace Corps and even started an application. I have since come down from my over-zealous high, and am thinking of other options. A close competitor being TEFL certified. This way, I could work and MAKE MONEY where ever I wanted. After some savings, I could travel for awhile and hook up with an NGO. This second option is very appealing because of its bohemian nature as opposed to the box and, sometimes chains, that comes along with the Peace Corps. The PC offers loan deferment, grad school assistance, and a stipend (when referring to material gains only). But they own you for 2 years. There is no freedom, there is barely vacation. Getting stuck in a small village hours from anywhere, alone as the only PCV is a definite possibility. I understand it is about the cause and the help you offer, but it seems like I could still give aid outside of the PC and have more freedom to do so.

All really fun to think about, then you realize "I haven't even started my senior year yet...fuck."

Blogging on my blog

Due to terrible internet connect (not sure if this will even go through), laziness, and business, I have been a poor excuse for a "blogger". I finally got a couple of people tuned in then left them hanging! Sorry you two. I promise not to let this happen again.

Thinking back...

I got kinda homesick today. I starting thinking about my old apartment I had back in college. Things were definitely simpler then. I remember one of the biggest selling points for me was the brick wall in the bedroom....haha. Even though it was set up like a hotel with the sink in the bedroom, it didn't take me long to get used to it. I loved that apartment. It was right next to campus, a bank, the grocery store, and this 24 hour dinner that had good burgers.

I remember I liked to keep the place clean just in case someone wanted to stop by randomly, and I enjoyed people going through the cabinets and finding a satisfying snack....I felt good when the place was stocked with food. I used to have dinner parties and would invite a few friends over for a collaborative meal and, depending on our wallets sizes, good or cheap drinks. Usually cheap with the occasional good bottle of wine. We definitely knew how to let loose! We would go to Dickson Street all night without a care in the world.

That was the first time I had lived alone, and it was easy for me. Understandable now, I guess. I remember when my older sister had moved out for the first time. She had just graduated, and I was a sophomore in high school. She rented out this cute little house. I thought it was so cool. She fixed it up real nice too and painted every room a different color. We had tons of fun in that house! But despite her ambition to be on her own, she was still scared. After that, I thought "That's how it works." You move out of the parents house, and its scary. Not for me though. I mean...I lived with roommates for awhile so I had more years behind me than when my sister ventured out on her own. The point is I was never scared to brave the world by myself. I wanted too for sure. This all seems ironic now, but back then, I was doing only what felt like the best for me.

I really thought I had a grasp on my future, but I guess it was impossible to see exactly where my decisions could take me. All I knew is that I was ready for something big and unexpected....something that would test me. Possibilities - endless.